A priest, a drunkard and a physicist were condemned to die by the guillotine. The priest is led up to the guillotine and is asked if he prefers to be facing up or down. He replies "I would like my last earthly sight to be of heaven". The executioner then fastens him in face up and releases the guillotine blade. It falls, but stops just within an inch of his throat. "A miracle!" the crowd of spectators shouts in unison, and the priest is released unharmed.
Next, the drunkard is led up the steps and he is asked if he prefers to face up or down. "Upward", he replied, "so that I can drink, one last time, some good wine you pour down my throat!" After the drunkard is given a drink, the huge blade is released and plummets downward, but stops within an inch of his throat. "Mon dieu! A second miracle!" the crowd cheers, and he is released unharmed.
Finally, the physicist is led up to be executed. He also chooses to be shackled to the guillotine faceup. The crowd is placing bets left and right about whether a third miracle will take place. As he lies faceup, he ponders the death apparatus above him. Raising his hand, moments before the executioner releases the blade, the physicist declares, "Wait, wait! ... I see what your problem is!"
A physics student was hit by a brick falling from a house. He fainted, but came to after a while and started smiling. The onlookers were worried, so they asked him why the smile. "I just realized how lucky I am because the kinetic energy is only half m v squared."
The experimentalist comes running excitedly into the theorist's office, waving a graph taken off his latest experiment. "Hmmm," says the theorist, "That's exactly where you'd expect to see that peak. Here's the reason." A long logical explanation follows. In the middle of it, the experimentalist says "Wait a minute", studies the chart for a second, and says, "Oops, this is upside down." He fixes it. "Hmmm," says the theorist, "you'd expect to see a dip in exactly that position. Here's the reason...".
A mathematician, an engineer and a physicist sat around a table discussing how to measure the volume of a cow.
The mathematician suggested the use of geometry and symmetry relationships of the cow, but his idea was rejected on the grounds of being too time consuming.
The engineer suggested placing the cow in a pool of water and measuring the change in the height of the water, but his idea was rejected on the grounds of impracticality.
"It's easy," said the physicist. "We'll make an assumption that the cow is a small sphere, calculate the volume and then blow it up to the actual size."
Chemistry is physics without thought. Mathematics is physics without purpose.
Heisenberg, when will you be sure of yourself?
You Might Be a Physicist if...
You Might Be a Physicist Part 2
A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender looks at him, and says "For you, no charge."
Two atoms bump into each other. One says "I think I lost an electron!" The other asks, "Are you sure?", to which the first replies, "I'm positive."
Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg says "No, but I know where I am."
You can also check out these sites for more Physics and Science humor:
DC Physics Humor: http://www.dctech.com/physics/humor.php
University of Iowa: http://faraday.physics.uiowa.edu/humor.html
Particle Data Group: http://pdg.lbl.gov/~aerzber/aps_humor.html